Soooo, yeah.  This is happening.  Daniel is going in for a vasectomy today.  I am having very mixed emotions about this.  The rational part of my brain knows that this is a good idea.  I mean, financially?  No doubt.  And we're working out and trying to get in shape.  We want to go on a grand vacation next summer for our ten year wedding anniversary.  The boys are at a great, much easier than babies age, and the new baby would be so many years apart from them,etc... So many good, solid reasons NOT to have a baby.

But my heart?  She's not on board, yet.  I know it's irrational to want another child, but I just do.  For many reasons, some of which aren't good reasons, at all. Our boys are so adorable (this is not an opinion) that I imagine a little girl would just melt our hearts.  We had Jack and Dylan at a young age so now all my friends are finally catching up and it seems there's a million adorable babies and prego's all over Facebook and Instagram.  I never got to show off my adorable babies (this is on the list of horrible reasons to have a baby)!  Not to mention all the amazing  Pinterest baby ideas and photo op ideas!!!  Also, and here's what I think is, the most selfish reason.  I want a third chance at being a new mom.  I did okay with Jack but when Dylan came around I all but checked out.  I was soooo lazy!  Daniel had to get up with them 9 times out of 10 and had to force me to bathe them for goodness sake!  All I wanted to do was hang out with our friends and drink wine and smoke cigarettes.  The kids got in the way of that.  I'm not proud, in fact it makes me so incredibly SAD  that this is my story.  This happened.  That... was me.  And you know what? It sucks.  It really does.  So yeah, that's my selfish reason.  I want to prove to Daniel and to myself that I can be a rockstar mom, and get up with the baby, bathe the baby everyday, and be happy about it.  Do it with a smile on my face and a song in my heart.  I make myself feel better by guessing that I had postpartum depression.  But who knows, it could just be that I was a lazy, selfish, brat.

Anyway, this post really took a turn to sad town, didn't it? LOL Sorry! I guess I was doing that stream of consciousness writing thing.  It got away from me... ;)

Don't worry.  I'll be okay, and we'll be okay, just had to get my thoughts/feelings out I think.  Like I said, I really do know that it's for the best and that my reasons are not good reasons to create new life.  It may be comforting to know that I learned my lesson and am not the lazy mom of 4 years ago.  That's not  me anymore.  I think I'm doing a bang up job now and I think Daniel would agree.  I hope! ;)  I love my boys more than life itself and I would wrestle tigers for them.

Have a great Thursday guys!
Holly

Oh wait, hey! Admire these pics of my adorable babies! ;)

Baby Jack

Baby Dylan with Daddy